Sunday, June 12, 2011

Being Real

Can you handle a little honesty?  (deep sigh)

Sometimes my faith feels incredibly thin. My heart weighs more than it should and my shoulders seem to sag involuntarily. This morning at church we sang a song with the lines "I walk by faith. Each step by faith." I felt myself stumble over those words as I have spent yet another week wondering when this is ever going to end. Another brand new stand mixer quit on me this week and a couple who looked at our home, chose one in a neighborhood nearby. Our car had to have extensive repairs to its AC and just moments ago Michael let me know that our home AC is not working either. Those last two might be overlooked if it weren't 100 degrees out with high humidity and a heat index reaching 110.

I normally take such things in stride. Stuff happens. Right now, though, I stand here looking up and asking "How much more?" How much more. The answer might be all of it. And I need to come to terms with that. I have to this point insisted that we are walking this road by faith. That what I know of God is that He will provide. Sometimes, though, all my confidence wears a bit thin. Despite my search and record of the gifts He gives, I still wonder when and if He's going to hand out the one gift I want. The one I think I need. The one that will set our lives back in balance.

We are very aware of the real estate market in our area. Not only do we have a house and a condo for sale, but I also work in a real estate office. It's tough out there for everyone. Even if you don't have a home to sell, you still have to navigate the new and much more stringent mortgage process.

So sometimes ... when I've read all the appropriate verses, prayed the prayers, heard the encouragement sermons, received the hugs of friends, held my head up day after day/ showing after showing... sometimes my faith just feels kinda weak.

Have you been there? Have you had to dig your heels in a little deeper one more time? And one more time? And one more time yet again?

The truth is I'm borrowing trouble. To this day, every need has been met. It's not comfortable to have all this unresolved and hanging over us, but every need aside from comfort has been met. I am looking ahead at what I think the path forward has to cover and I can't see anything but a mountain. And, of course, whatever I've imagined is on the other side of that mountain that I'm trying to get to. You and I both know the other side might look very different from what I think it should. Still, that mountain. It grows and shrinks.

Perhaps it might shrink a little more if I stay present in today, taking stock of where I've been and looking only up instead of out.

Giving Thanks today for past Ebenezers, that they would hold me up when I feel helpless.

1 comment:

MomBrose said...

I've been there. Praying for you and that you would feel His grace and strength. Love you dear friend!