Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Thank You Note

Are you on anyone's "forward" list? We delete multiple forwards a day. Pictures, stories, warnings, skewed information, letters, links, cartoons, petitions...and much more. Some come as traditional forwards. Some try to sneak in as normal email - leaving off the 'FW' in the subject and eliminating all the email addresses that have come before ours. Most forwards aren't true in the first place, and therefore not worth our time to read. It's just inbox clutter.

This morning I was checking Facebook and found the following "Thank You Note".

(I don't know who the author is, but I'll gladly give credit if anyone has the information.)

Thanks To Everyone Who Has Sent Me FWD Emails

I just want to thank all of you for your educational
e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now
and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't
know what the last person was doing while flipping through
the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be
taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it
on the floor of a public bathroom..

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under
God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave any more because it will blow up in my
face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since
I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get
bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.


Jennifer said...

That's hilarious! The UPS/FedEx one made me laugh out loud!!!

Rachel said...

How funny is that? I think at one time or another I've gotten all of those fwds. They still make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Some forwards are worth reading and even saving. I send out only what I feel is important to be read. How disappointing if what I send is deleted before even considered. Suz