Friday, June 26, 2009

Winding Through My Mind

I'm in list mode. We're not too far out from a vacation and I've been spending a great deal of time in my travel notebook. I've found that the pre-planning usually keeps me from forgetting anything major. Of course, I always remind myself that there's barely anything that couldn't be purchased if I left it behind accidentally. There's a Wally world close to everywhere.

My lists are long and some have become so notated they'll have to be rewritten. Others are so short they worry me. A packing list that's too short means I've probably left off something major. That or I've made the categories too big and that means something could slip my mind.

My pregnant mind seems to be in a semi-constant fog. But since this is baby number 3, I'm well aware that this semi-constant fog has nothing on what happens to my mind in the 8-12 weeks after birth. I believe those weeks resemble something more like mud. Coherent thoughts that might make the complete journey from mind to mouth (or keyboard) are less likely than pushing a string through a mud cake. And when they do happen, we consider them miracles.

Speaking of baby number 3, I am fast approaching 31 weeks. I'm becoming a more and more frequent patient at the doctor's office. All is well with the baby. He or she is powerfully active. Especially at night. I've begun to wonder if that, along with the number of times I get up all night long, are preparing me for a baby who has no intention of sleeping while it's dark outside. Lucky me. At least I'm prepared for it. That way if I'm wrong, I'll be singing this baby's praises up one side and down the other.

Third trimester brings with it a whole slew of new challenges for me. None of which I have any control over. Surprise, surprise. Just like life. Thankfully, I have a wonderful doctor who hears me out, explains what's happening, and gives me as many options that might help as possible. Now if I could just figure how to get the baby to lay still at night when I want to sleep....

And the emotional ride is back as well. Tears for no reason. Fear when I know better. Sadness over things that do not affect me. Deep sorrow over things that do. Over reaction to small bits of conflict. All of that can appear at once or in part, and then disappear without warning or reason.
Nesting and lists. Big bursts of progress followed by days of rest. Joyful anticipation that follows on the very heels of dread. Up and down. Back and forth. It comes with the territory and will only intensify over the next few months. And then, thankfully, fade away.

Generally, though, I'm doing well. Today anyway. I've only gained 10 pounds so far. I love maternity clothes because it's the one time in my life when everything I try on fits. My belly is so round it doesn't matter that my hips are uneven. I even wore a skirt yesterday - something I rarely do normally. There are only about nine weeks left so I'm enjoying every outfit I've got.

I think when I started this post, it was going to be a list of something. I can't remember what, but it turned into a stream of consciousness monologue. That fits my mental abilities right now anyway. Whatever leads on to the next thing.

And this post definitely leads on to sleep. Good night.

1 comment:

MomBrose said...

You crack me up! I remember that pregnant fog (coupled with irrational uncontrollable mood swings). Better you than me, my friend! :) Although, I was 12 days late this week and took a test while holding my breath. Praise God for negatives sometimes! :)
Hang in there and have a great trip!