This past Sunday I was the lay reader for our church service. That means I read the Old Testament scripture after the last song and before the sermon. You might remember that last year I participated in the Mother's Day service at our old church...and had a....a little dress issue.
This year I intentionally picked an outfit that I couldn't mess up. Unfortunately I found other ways to make the Mother's Day service amusing.
Our church reads scriptures based on the calendar year. Somebody, a long time ago, divided up the Bible so that all of it gets read at some point during a three year period. The selections are relevant for the religious calendar year. I think it's called the Lectionary, but I don't know much about liturgical churches, so that might not be right.
At any rate, I didn't read my assigned scripture until we were in the car ON THE WAY to church. Since they didn't have Mother's Day in Bible times, my scripture didn't have anything to do with being a Mom. Instead, it was related to the other celebration of the day - Pentecost.
Pentecost is the day the apostles received the Holy Spirit and spoke in other languages, or tongues. I still think it's ironic that my Presbyterian church focused almost exclusively on Pentecost, but my brother's Pentecostal church only celebrated Mother's Day.
Back in the car. My scripture reading started like this:
So Moses ... gathered seventy elders of the people, and placed them all around the tent.
I immediately had a mental picture of Moses with his long beard and flowing robe, setting his staff down so he could throw an old man over his shoulder and 'place' him exactly two feet away from the last old man he'd placed around the tent. Giggles... but I gathered myself and continued.
Two men remained in the camp, one named Eldad, and the other named Medad,
Eldad? Medad? Are you joking? I have to stand up in front of the church and say Medad? On Mother's Day? And then I just collapsed into uncontrollable giggles. Every time I had to say Eldad and Medad my voice would start shaking and I'd begin to laugh. We thought maybe if I changed the accent syllable, I could hold strong. So we tried ELdad and MEdad. But that prompted me to change the names to Elmom and Memom for some reason. So I tried again, this time attempting ElDAD and MeDAD...but that sounded so Irish that even Daniel was cracking up.
Believe me the tears were flowing freely down my cheeks and I was burning calories in belly laughs.
And the scripture continues...
28And a young man ran and told Moses, ‘Eldad and Medad are prophesying in the camp.’ And Joshua son of Nun, the assistant of Moses, one of his chosen men, of Moses from his youth');" onmouseout="return nd();">* said, ‘My lord Moses, stop them!’
So even if I got through the Eldad and Medad the first time, I'd have to say their names again, because as they received the Spirit of God, they began to prophesy. And then Joshua, son of Nun(? None? What?) comes running in and says 'My lord Moses, stop them...." Now I know lord meant leader in this context, but I couldn't seem to read it with the right inflection so that it didn't sound more like "Good Grief Moses!" or "Holy Mackerel Moses!" or "Golly gee Batman, stop them!"
By the time we arrived at church, I had no makeup left on my eyes or cheeks because it was smeared all over the tissue I used to dry my tears. Michael decided he'd have to find the secret bathroom during this part of the service, because if we made eye contact while I was reading, it would be all over.
Before the service started, I attempted to glean a pronunciation of Eldad and Medad from Pastor Brint, who didn't think my antics were nearly as funny as I did. That settled me down some. Michael was, fortunately, stuck at the keyboard behind me as I read. I got through the placement of the elders without a hitch, but as soon as I saw Eldad and Medad on the page, I felt that awful giggle threatening to escape. I dared not look up from the page. With all the concentration I could muster I said, "One named Eldad and the other named Medad" without incident. I could feel the adrenaline begin to ooze through my body as my eyes scanned the second reference to those names. I knew the slightest hiccup would send me over and I'd never recover. Tears begging to fill my eyes, I read as confidently as I could. With Eldad and Medad #2 over and just 'my lord' to go, a smile made it's way to my face. I was going down fast. As quickly as I could I read "And Moses and the elders of Israel returned to the camp." followed by "This is the Word of the Lord."
Even as the congregation responded with "Thanks be to God", I was ridding myself of the microphone and trying to stop the shaking in my shoulders. I know I was wearing the silliest grin and that it was probably interpreted as "Look at me! I did a good job!" And in a way, I suppose it was that grin. Because I have no idea how I read Eldad and Medad in front of all those people and didn't crack up laughing in the mic.
Really, now. Eldad? Medad? She couldn't have named them John and Bill?
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